Saturday, December 17, 2011

You are for me...a lesson in love 2

There are some really good memories of my dad. I couldn't really think of any the day of his funeral. I think part of it was the shock of seeing him in the casket. Years ago God started repairing the damage in my heart and spirit left by my dad. The scars of not having a father in the home with me are far reaching, they extend beyond your childhood and the decisions made then into your adult life. At this very moment in the midst of this current situation I am seeing and feeling the gap he left.
It has been said that children view God as they view their earthly father. It's true I think......many of my trust issues and the constant need to micromanage and fix come from the hole of my father's absence and the need to do God's job because I felt He didn't do what I thought He should have when I was a child concerning my earthly dad. Though God has soothed the hurt of abandonment my husband has had to bare the scares of this pain in my life.
Please don't get me wrong I love my dad and I love God. Psalm 27: 10 " when my father and mother forsake me then the Lord will take care of me." God is my father, He is the best daddy I have ever had, but the journey to wanting to live in His arms has been a long journey for me. I continue to have moments of questioning and trying to take His job back from Him, but unlike an earthly father, He will not leave me nor will He forsake me - He promised me that and its okay with Him if sometimes I fail and question that. He knows what I've been through and loves me despite it.
It has been in the midst of the crazy dealings with my mom today that the Lord has gently brought to me more of my issues (I asked for this - "a rebuke should be as sweet honey....."), but in His caring Father like fashion He showed me why I felt the way I felt and what was causing my reactions. I am checked by the fact that Jesus said He will never leave us nor will He forsake us, yet we are only afforded that great privilege because His Father forsook Him while He was hanging on the cross for my sins.
Looking at yourself and dealing with you can certainly be painful, but I wouldn't trade it - it is through the fire the we are made as pure gold.
Honesty says - I fight the fire most times, especially in the beginning some in the middle and definitely as it nears the end, but afterwards as with most humans I am grateful - silly aren't we :0).
The end of this will be great and I know it, I've been promised that," For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord, they are plans for good and not for evil, plans to give you a future and a hope..." Jeremiah 29:11
Its different right now - fine its rough right now and hurts a bit, but in the midst of every storm, every battle - no matter what it is - no matter if it seems big or small. God is there and He always will be. "He will never leave you nor will He forsake you....." Humans because we are flawed will hurt you, leave  you, etc. but not God. Jesus loves you too much - His love was unto death- That's love.

God be with you and bless you

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